the truth.

isn't it scary to think that everyone is facing a problem?

everyone is fighting their own war.

we don't even know anything about it.

everyone looks fine, okay & normal on the outside, 

but do you ever think if the person is crying on the inside?

crying for help?

looking for someone who cares enough?

i really wonder..

~

alright it's time for me to sit down,

blog, & let it all out.

it's just too much for me to handle.

i tend to do stupid 'fun' things to make me forget all my problems. 

to get my mind off the things that keep bothering me.

to feel better even if it's just for awhile.

to show people i'm fine.

if one were to look closely, 

when some of my friends ignore me and push me aside,

i'd just stay at the side and stop talking.

that's when all my negativity kicks in.

when someone breaks my happiness/mood at the moment, 

it's not likely that i'm angry at the person. 

it's just that a part of me comes back with the negativity that never leaves its side.

i need to be constantly doing something fun, retarded, or anything that keeps me occupied,

in order to stop the thoughts from flowing into my mind. 

i feel alone.

oh and if you're about to say things like 

"you have your friends,"

or "you have your family,"

or "you're so lucky to have a life like this,"

stop. just stop. i'm talking about how i feel.

i'm not saying that i'm literally alone, i'm just saying that i feel alone.

that's all. it's as simple as that. no need to make it a big deal.

i just feel like a total emotional wreck.

all the emotions except for happiness fills me up.

it's scary, it really is.

it's when your emotions are out of control but you're still so calm on the outside and no one knows what's happening to your life or what's going on in your head.

i just want to look more 'presentable' and less of a mess.

i don't want people to see me as the lifeless person i actually am.

i try my best, i really do. life's hard, isn't it?

and no, don't start comparing me to the kids in africa or people who are less fortunate than me, 

i know all those already. 

but what i'm trying to say is that right now, at this point of time in my life, 

i'm in a mess.

my life's in a mess.

my thoughts drive me crazy.

nobody knows how i feel.

i stopped telling people about my problems.

it doesn't help me.

it doesn't make the situation any better.

it's still the same.

my life will always be like this at this period and nothing will change in the end. 

oh & if you're wondering if the reason to this is because of some heartbreak or something,

no, definitely not.

i just don't want people to think i'm being overdramatic 

or oversensitive

or stupid

or disgusting

or naive.

It's just some personal family thing & more.

i'm definitely not the person people think i am.

happy? no, definitely not.

my laughters?

laughter could be a mask,

or an excuse to tear up.

that's the beauty of human beings. we cover up really well. 

we could put on as many masks as we want and not get caught.

I don't know who to turn to anymore.

My friends won't really know how i feel because.. 

they're not me. They don't know how my life is.

It's alot worse than how i make it sound like, 

it's alot worse than how i make it seem,

it's alot worse than how i appear.

i just don't show how i feel outside because whenever i'm outside,

that's when i feel a tiny spark of happiness.

it may not be all the time, but.. i feel alive.

I don't feel so dead and lifeless anymore.

it's just a really warm feeling that keeps me going.

I'm really glad that no matter what happens, there will always be something that will keep you going,

something good that will make life worthwhile.