friends.

To be honest, friendship these days are just.. confusing. You don't know who to trust, or who to stay away from. Sometimes, having 'some' close friends/bestfriends isn't a good thing. Because you really don't know who will always be there for you. What if one day, you and one of your supposedly 'bestfriend' went with another one of her 'bestfriend' and you don't know who to go to? That'll just suck big time. Okay i don't know if i'm making sense.. But sometimes, i just blog about what ever's going through my mind. I understand what i'm trying to say but i don't know if i'm expressing it well enough. Oh well, i guess it's okay because no one actually give a damn about to what i think in my mind. Oh well, that's life! 

There's a lot of things happening in my social group. Sometimes i don't know how to console my friends anymore because what if.. what if it's all my fault? I don't like being played around with.. I don't like being some 'extra' person in a group. I really don't. I'd rather be some loner than to keep going to a group where i'm secretly wanted. I just can't face 'friends' who.. secretly talks crap behind my back and act all nicey&angelic infront of me. I just can't stand it. 

For some reason, i feel like i'm the one to blame for whatever bad that's happening to my friends eventhough i didn't do anything. I feel very.. pressurized. I hate this feeling. This feeling when you have to watch over what you do or what you say to your 'friends'. For some reason, i don't have that.. "BAMMM I CAN TOTALLY BE MYSELF INFRONT OF YOU" feeling towards most of my friends. I feel like.. i have to do something that i'm not really willing to do just to make them feel better. But the question is: How long will i be able to keep up with this? I feel like sometimes, people are just asking for too much. Not in a good way though. You know those kinds of 'higher expectations'? Yeah, not that kind. By 'too much' i meant by me doing more things i'm not really willing to do just to feel accepted.

Am i really that.. terrible..? Everytime i be myself.. someone has to get affected. Why can't anyone accept me for who i am? Oh gosh, this is frustrating. I'm not.. saying it's my friends' fault. I think it's mine.. Or is it? Idk, i always blame myself for everything nowadays so i don't know what's right anymore. I hope i don't offend anyone in this post.. I just need to.. voice out about how i'm feeling because it's really really.. hard to explain. 

“Friendship is all about trusting each other, helping each other, loving each other and being crazy together.”