a minute of catalepsy never hurts #1

i've been thinking a lot these days.
too much, perhaps.
but i'm certain that i'm not in that "emo phase" which all teenagers go through, nor am i on my period. so it's completely fair to establish that whatever i'm saying now and whatever i'm about to say is 100% geniuine & uninfluenced.

oh and to make it clear, this is just me and my pure thoughts. i'm just basically typing down whatever comes into my head. it may not make sense- well it probably won't make sense to anyone but myself, but i figured that i've been bottling up all my emotions too much that i might've deprived myself of any freedom of speech. so here it goes.

firstly, self-esteem issues. i understand that everyone has self-esteem issues. but when can it stop? if we want something in particular, we'll work to get it. if we want to be someone/something, we'll do all kinds of shit to achieve it. and when we've actually achieved it, we would find other things to work on. we'll find other targets. it's a never ending vicious cycle. a person could be beautiful, smart, rich, well-liked, otherwise known as "perfect", but that person is probably insecure about something else. what i'm pondering upon is.. why? why are we like that? are we humans just really programmed to be like that? must it really be in our nature? can we ever be happy with just what we have? 

last night, i was doing what i usually do before i go to sleep- checking out an online store, looking for items i don't need at all but i just want.. looking for new shoes, new clothes, new blah blah blah. thinking of ways to smoothen my skin, ways to lose weight, ways to spend my $$$, and all that. basically, looking around for things that will make my life easier, better & more convenient.
i do that every night, & it usually keeps me awake until 6am or so.. but last night/this morning (like 5am-ish), something happened to me. i was sleeping in my parents' room because i felt lonely in my room. i watched my parents and brothers sleep. i watched them for a long time.
then it hit me. i've been too busy trying to make myself look better, but what for??? to be in trend? why am i always paying attention to other people's perspective of me?? i should be focusing on what really matters- my family. why do i do so much for other people to like me.. when in reality, a parent's love is more than enough. i should be focusing on how to be a better daughter. i should be trying my best to always be there for them while i still can, because one day.. i won't get the chance to..







(yeah i'm done for tonight. i'll continue as & when i feel like it)