self-improvement

It is when i'm given the opportunity to encounter difficult times like this, that i tend to question my own self identity.

Have I become someone whom I used to despise or someone I will despise in the future? 

Just a brief warning, this post may or may not make sense in the end, I'm just simply jotting down whatever comes into my mind during this hour of.. (excuse my urban slang) shittiness (is that even a word?) 

Basically, I just had a rather long argument with my dad, & despite the "whatever idgaf" face I had throughout the whole conversation, I'm actually really affected by it and it doesn't feel pleasant. I can list down a few emotions I'm feeling right now: a pinch of anger, a teaspoon of sadness, and a shit load of shame. I can't help it- the way i reacted throughout the entire argument is downright appalling. I'm currently in disbelief, because I never knew that i was capable of being so..... disrespectful and ungrateful. 

I guess it's because I have installed this mindset that O's are over, & that means complete freedom and all fun in the sun- which is the exact opposite of how things are for me right now. Honestly, i've had more freedom during the exam period- i get to go out everyday (even if it's just going to the library), but now, I need to stay at home e v e r y d a y. Both my parents work, and my other relatives who live with us went back to Phils for a vocation. Thus, i have to be at home 24/7 to babysit my brothers. That isn't fun at all.. I'm disappointed, because i really did not expect my "5 months of vocation/freedom" to end up being like this. I want to go to the beach, I want to shop, I want to go out everyday, I want to have fun, but instead, I'm being suppressed once again- being tied down by what i call "life". 

The problem lies in the paragraph before this. I yearn for too much. I never seem to be contented with what i already have. Maybe it's in me- always thirsty for something new.. But i need to put a stop to it. With that kind of mentality, i figure that I won't live a very happy life because i'll keep wanting more.

Now this is where i try to have a mental argument with myself. I want to have freedom & fun, yet i can't have those until i stop asking for so much. I need to learn how to be more appreciative of what i have. I need to stop being so greedy. I need to learn to just sit back, relax & go with whatever's meant for me.